With a final warning issued by Boris Johnson ringing in his ears, which stated, “You’re drinking in the last chance saloon. Screw up this time and you will have the party whip removed for ever,” hapless incompetent, Chris Grayling, has been put in charge of letting contracts to hotels that will house visitors arriving in the UK from Covid hotspots, as part of new mandatory quarantine measures due to begin later this month.

Wearing his customary terrified expression and looking like he might have been smacked round the head with a wet mackerel, Mr Grayling said: ‘At last, something even I can’t fuck up. All I have to do is get on the blower and book up some rooms. Piece of piss.’

‘I’ve done that before. Like the time I reserved accomodation for the family’s Spanish holiday. No one minded that we ended up spending it in Cannes. But I have learnt from that experience.’

However rumours are rife that once again Mr Grayling might just be struggling with his latest brief. A close source to the part-time Frank Spencer impersonator told BBC News: ‘I don’t want to tell tales out of shop, but I happen to know Chris has set up a Zoom meeting later today with the head of Airbnb, which to me does not augur well.’

‘Not when you consider the only other call he’s made since speaking to the PM, was to someone he heard about who used to own a two-berth caravan in Skegness. Sadly though, that drew a blank.’