In an attempt to get out the government’s message about how we should spend Christmas to a baffled public, Boris Johnson has appointed celebrity skank and leisure suit Queen, Vicky Pollard, as his new Festivities Gatherings Tsar.
Speaking to reporters today Ms. Pollard said: ‘It’s simple. The message is very clear. Yeah but no but, you can mix with up to three households, but no but, don’t mix with three households. Obviously you are allowed mix with three households, yeah? but… the important thing is don’t. So, only if you must mix, then you shouldn’t.’
Taking questions from the press, and when asked about visiting or meeting elderly relatives, Ms. Pollard sought to demystify what some are saying have been mixed messages coming from Downing Street in recent weeks.
‘If you have elderly parents you are allowed to see them, but don’t see them. Not unless it’s entirely necessary to see them, then we advise you don’t.’
‘If they might be dead this time next year, yeah? Then of course you can see them, but don’t see them, because you could possibly kill them if do you see them.’
‘Yeah but no, if you do see them, perhaps think about not seeing them. But whatever happens, don’t do what Sharon Pickles did, cos she went to see hers then remembered government advice and didn’t see them.’
‘Instead, she had a three-way with two builders and a Highland Terrier called Hamish behind the skips in precinct near where her mum and dad live. She’s a right dirty slag.’