The Nation’s favourite tank engine, Thomas, has waded into the current pandemic crisis, slamming the government’s new three-tier system of classification as “ill thought-out risible drivel”.

‘Toot-toot,’ said an incandescent Thomas speaking from the sidings where he was having a mid-shift water top-up, adding, ‘this bloody shambles is quite possibly the stupidest thing I have ever heard. It should never have found its way off the drawing board in the first place and the tosser who dreamt it up needs their arse kicked from now into the middle of next week.’

Other rolling stock were quick to add their support with both Henry and Gordon expelling plumes of dark steam in support.

Meanwhile as he blew his whistle to get the eleven twenty-three to Knapford rolling on time, Sodor Bossman, Sir Topham Hatt sighed: ‘Christ on a bloody bike! I voted for these knobheads last December. But tell you what. Never again.’