In a sensational pandemic-busting breakthrough today it has been announced that a cure for Covid-19 has been found in Britain and is currently undergoing final field trials before being rolled out to everyone when it’s safe to do so.

Like many medical firsts the cure was discovered totally by accident when Archie Williams, a seventy-three year-old xenophobic racist and Brexit supporter, was visiting his wife who was very poorly with the illness.

“I was in despair,” said Williams,  “just sitting there by her bedside talking when I remembered I’d had my new blue passport delivered that day. For something to do I took it out and showed it to her even though she was in a deep coma.”

“Immediately her eyes opened and she sat bolt upright in the bed then said to the nurse “I could murder a nice cuppa Rosy Lee and a bully beef sandwich dear.” Ten minuets later she was discharged from ICU and I took her home.”

“That old foreign lurgy had taken one look at my blue British passport and skedaddled off to infect some bloody bat-chomping foreigners elsewhere.”

Professor Stephen Andrews who is heading up the trails said, ‘It’s nothing short of miraculous and initial results are encouraging. In most cases the virus flees the host body almost immediately it is exposed to the blue passport.”

“Even in particularly stubborn cases we have found playing Dame Vera Lynn and Bud Flanagan songs during exposure will get the job done.”