In the latest No. 10 briefing to the nation on the fight against Covid-19, strong leadership has finally emerged from the PM with the front line now to be manned by Mr Johnson himself.
Cheers echoed around the land as he looked straight down the camera lens and vowed “to send this bothersome Coronavirus packing.”
Outlining his plan explained. “Here’s how we’ll do it. If Covid doesn’t stop infecting people I shall get my Fag, Francois, to bring it to me and hand him down 500 lines – let’s say… something like “I must stop infecting people willy-nilly” That ought to do the trick.”
“However if old Covey won’t stop his nonsense we will need to ramp things up by not allowing him any tuck whatsoever for a week. Of course he’ll not be happy but undoubtedly he will then have to toe the line. Draconian? Yes, but these are extraordinary times we’re living in.”
“As a last resort I cannot rule out even more extreme measures. I will not shrink from making him bend over in front of the fire, inserting two soft crumpets between his arse cheeks, toast them to a nice golden-brown then slather them in unctuous creamy Devon butter.”
“Err… that’s the crumpets. I’ll just give Covey six of the best and send him on his way with a flea in his ear.”
Marjorie Daubney, a seventy-five year-old clueless oaf and staunch supporter of Mr Johnson said: “There are people out there who think Boris is an over-privileged out-of-touch incompetent self-serving big public schoolboy. Well let’s put an end to that kind of traitorous talk now. Shall we?”