Despite Britain having just sweltered in record August temperatures, with the mercury rising to its highest level ever over the Bank Holiday, a disappointing study has found that the British seaside is still a shit place to have a vacation.

Dr Klaus Schifter who carried out the research said: ‘In Britain when it is warm media sources will often boast that temperatures are “hotter and Marbella, Florida or the Maldives” and so forth, as a sort of mildly jingoistic justification that Brits should eschew foreign destinations and opt for taking holidays at your many seaside resorts.’

‘But sadly when one considers what is on offer as a comparison, not to mention that Britain on average has about only three sunny days every year, whereas Spain’s Costa del Sol has over 330, there is no contest.’

‘Imagine a pretty little beach-side bistro in Portofino. Glamorous couples are sitting at tables in beautiful balmy dappled sunshine eating lovingly created fish and pasta dishes and sipping delicious chilled wines.’

‘The comparable experience, say in Margate, is more likely to be a fish and chip takeaway located on a busy road, where one must jostle one’s way through hordes of union jack singlet and shorts-wearing skinheads singing football songs while brawling and throwing beer bottles at rival supporters. Hence the conclusions of the study, I am sorry to say.’

However feisty Margate Landlady and small hotelier, Gina Plopp, has hit back at Dr Schifter. ‘That’s nonsense what he’s talking. Britain’s seaside is the best place in the world for an ‘oliday. We got donkey rides, candy floss, Punch and Judy for the kiddies and when it’s wet we got the all-day Bingo, ain’t we?’