Highways England has come in for criticism today after issuing new guidelines on predicted Easter traffic jams, as tens of thousands of us set off for well-earned breaks.

A spokesman for HE said: ‘Easter is always a busy time and coupled with the ‘hotter than the Med’ weather forecast we’re sure see even greater numbers on our roads. So we’re offering the following advice, particularly to the retired and elderly.’

‘For fuck sake get a grip on yourselves! What’s the point adding to interminable bumper-to-bumper traffic jams when you can choose any other weekend you fancy to go to Eastbourne, Bournemouth or whatever places oldies flock to. Can’t you see you’re just buggering it up for everyone else, you selfish old bastards?’

But 75 year-old Roger Whiston isn’t too best pleased with the advice and has quickly hit back. ‘I shall tow my caravan with my Morris Oxford to Bournemouth along with the other forty regulars in the Redditch Happy Campers OAP Caravan Club, just like we do every Easter.’

‘I really enjoy driving down to the coast, because every time I look in my mirror I see people in the cars behind making hand signals and mouthing messages of support.’

‘And although I may not be up to speed with this modern high-five malarkey, I’m still pretty certain that quickly flicking your wrist up and down while looking as if you’re holding some sort of tube must be a friendly gesture.’