News that British institution Maplin is on the verge of collapse has sent shockwaves and pangs of sadness through the post-war generation who remember the many holidays they took there throughout the 50s 60s and 70s with immense fondness.

Mickey Maplin, CEO of the once massive holiday camp business blames changing tastes, Boris Johnson and Brexit. ‘People have set their sights higher nowadays and the lure of guaranteed sun, sand and sea has proven too much. Two weeks in Bognor in freezing cold pissing rain, listening to shit comedians and crap cabaret tribute acts won’t cut it any longer.’

But one Camp Host, Ted Bovis, speaking to veteran Wish You Were Here’s perma-tanned Judith Chalmers, as entertainment staff assembled at the Weston Super Mare camp for the upcoming Summer season, has slammed his boss: ‘Mickey hasn’t got a clue what he’s on about here. The first rule of this game is give the people what they want and I’ve been doing that for nigh on fifty years now. My ‘Famous People on the Toilet’ and ‘Raffle Swindles’ have been nothing short of legendary, but now it looks like we’re all going to be on the scrap heap before this season even gets started. It’s a joke.’

A disconsolate Bovis, with tears in his eyes, then cajoled fellow staff to debag his stooge, Spike Dixon, before they threw him in the Olympic size swimming pool.